The five languages of Love

This is a draft article I am thinking of using in our ebook.. Its what I have been working on today - thus addition to my blog..

Love comes in many forms, conversely so does the manner in which it is expressed and received. Love is a verb – its something that you do for others and for yourself. It is not stagnant, but ever changing, growing and alive. As a new parent, the love you hold for your partner is not replaced – as many people believe, but is given a new direction and an opportunity to strengthen and grow into something incredible. Sadly for many families, the advent of children sees a rift between parents. With the seeming shift of attention, time and love directed now at the children, it is the male partner who more is more likely to feel unwanted and begin to withdraw. A cycle continues with the mother confused with her new role and responsibilities, perceiving her partners withdrawal as a rejection of her personally, feeling unappreciated and focuses herself even more on the needs of her children. Even the slightest change in direction can send two hurtling rocketships far apart into deep space; eventually light years apart.

Showing love to new parents can just as easily be communicated by friends, family and caring community members. By supporting new parents and assisting them into easing their way into parenthood, will ensure a much less turbulent journey in all aspects of their relationship. Love is a choice. Connection and communication can start in a heartbeat; especially if you are given some tools to assist your journey.

Dr. Gary Chapman has written many self help books surrounding effective communication within relationships. His book “The Five Love Languages” is an easy to consume antidotal read which identifies five basic languages of love – those being

• Quality Time. This includes spending real time with your partner on a one on one basis, doing activities they find pleasing – or giving them quality time in order for them to so something they would love. A harassed new mother will relish the thought of having a shower alone, of going for a cup of coffee and being able to drink it whilst its hot or going to the movies with their partner.
• Words of Affirmation. Mother guilt ( and to a lesser extent Fatherguilt) pours through the veins of every new mother. Word of encouragement – either verbally or written in a card, an email or a letter can make a great impact on those whose primarily language is this one. Although this may seem one of the easiest love languages, it is becoming rarer that people will stop for a few moments, be totally present and express their true thoughts. Our society is trained to give negative responses, rather than celebrate or congratulate a situation.
• Gifts. A small wildflower picked on the way home, a laminated bookmark made from your first movie together, a special coffee cup. Gifts do not need to be extravagant or cost money for the person whose primarily language is presents. Its is the thought and the way in which it is delivered which is often the most important.
• Acts of Service. Emptying the dishwasher, taking out the rubbish, getting the ironing done ( either doing or paying someonelse) making a meal, bringing several pre cooked meals around to pop in the freezer are some examples of acts of service which would be greatly appreciated by a person whose primary language is this.
• Physical Touch. This can make or break a relationship and can communicate love or hate in a split second. Intimate touch is confused with tenderness and especially after birthing and the relentless emotional journey a new mother is taking, the last thing on their mind is to hug or kiss another human being. For someone whose primary language is touch, a rejection can be devastating. A high percentage of men’s primary language is touch, but even they can confuse it with the act of sex rather than a languid cuddle, a sensual kiss or a shoulder rub.

Dr Cahapman proposes that everyone has a preferred language they use to demonstrate their love with others. Often , but not always, the language that this individual uses is the same for the way they want to be shown love. With a better understanding of these distinctive languages of love, you will be able to speak and understand others love language. Being present and sincere with great listening skills is not enough. Whilst Greys “Men are from Mars” book presented revolutionary ideas for the time it was published, relationships and people have become more savvy and a new step forward needs to be taken. If you are to communicate in a meaningful and effective manner, you must be willing to identify and use the primary love languages.

With our fragmented communities and dysfunctional families., young parents are often physically a long way away from either a family or supportive networks.

Each of us, therefore, have a responsibility to each other, to our families and to our community to identify individuals love language and ensure we use it when we communicate with them. Consciously choose to create a loving moment for another person every day.

People generally go about their lives in an unconscious manner, doing what they do out of habit, or ritual and what feels natural to us. We unconsciously speak to others using our own preferred method of expressing love – whether that is to spend time with them, tell them how much they mean to us, give them gifts, do things for them or physically make contact with them. When you discover the primary love language of your partner, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for you. Although it may feel uncomfortable or unnatural to you, you will be using a language that communicates love to your partner – which goes far beyond listening sincerely. Choose to consciously love today.