Blessings Be, gratitude and lessons

We have so much to be grateful for and every day we meet more people who remind me of these blessings.

I think one of my big lessons is to accept help. Life has recently placed me in such extreme situations to force me to stop being so independant and become at times, completely helpless. When Age was alive I had thought I had to be the strong one, the glue that keeps our family together and that if I were strong enough I could carry all of us no matter the challange. I've never been one to ask or accept help. Though I have theoretically known this to be untrue, I guess I needed to be put through enough pain and suffering, to stretch and near break me, in order for me to put accepting help into my heart.

The camino provides.. Just as life provides.. And I know the right people will vome along at the right time, have the conversations we need at the right time.

So, huge blessings and thanks to Annie H, an incredible retired teacher from the UK who is walking parts of the pilgrimage on her own - incredibly brave step for her ( i know I wouldnt like to do it myself one)

She has been so sweet everytime we meet ip with her, the kids call her Grannie Annie..

Big love to Tittiana and her gorgrous hubby from Italy, who cooked us a wonderful pasta meal- one the kids still ask about- they call them nonna and pappa - such a sweet loving couple, married for over 34 years and still so on love.

Blessings to that taxi driver who stopped to help us when we were completely overwhelmed and exhausted.

So much love to Bill and Joan from Carolina - who just took care of us in Trinidad.. Bill was my washing fairy and Joan - so sweet, looked after Lillys blisters.

Much love to the crazy Irish trio whom we have met up with a few times over the last four days.( thanks for the hostel tip in Pamplona- love this place!!)

And love and blessings to all the others we have met so far..50 more days of walking for us.. So many more people to meet and touch..

The track to Viskarret photos

As internet is so dodgy in some places, I'll do two entries a day, one with text only ( hopefully it loads ip easily) and the other with photos snd s few explanations. It may be a few days out of whack.. But you'll follow it along.

Walking the Camino with Age

Walking the Camino this year is for a number of reasons..not least as a tribute to Adrian.

The whole year away from Australia us for me to mentally regroup, and for the kids and I to bond as a unit. Though too, I say 'a year' we could stay in Europe for several years. Alot depends on some events taking place in August.. But more on that much later.

Specifically, this next 2 months is time for me to revaluate who I am within my environment, and to rediscover my passions - and the true me; no longer a wife and carer. 

The Camino is the final process completing the journey of letting go of the past and of Age. Its not that I will ever want to - even if it were possible, to forget him. 23 years with someone leaves a mark on your heart and soul; and I loved that man deeply, which made the events in his last five months all the more horrific. 

I know Age would be proud of us and what and where the kids and I are doing... The Age I knew and loved deeply, not the damaged shell he became.

Over the last few days on the track, the kids and I have spoken alot about what happened to Age. Our sessions with the brain specialist and pych after he died really helped explain what happed to him mentally. Its just a real shame this information wasnt available while we were going through it all. I guess I knew it, and I kept the love up, kept the faith but sometimes wish others may have seen it too. Its my lesson that it doesnt matter what others think or believe. I kept the faith and oaths.

We are all at peace knowing that daddy wasnt the real daddy and he was very sick. The specialist was wonderful explaining that it was like an alien inside his head taking control.  We understand that he knew he was dying and that he was changing into a person he couldnt control or know. The kids and I know he loved us so much he did what he thought was the best solution - to force us away, to say and do things which would make us turn our backs and leave him.

But he forgot who and what I was. He forgot how sacred I held oaths. He forgot we were soul family. The harder he pushed, the more hurtful and painful his language and actions were against is, the tighter I held onto 23 years of love and trust; knowing this was the end and knowing he was't himself.

I remember saying goodbye at the airport. He said goodbye and I told him we never say that word and that it was slways see ya.. He dropped his eyes and told me that was only normally. I cried the whole way from the airport hoping I hadn't really heard what I had.

Morgan slowly is telling me little things he said and did as we travel along the path. Some make me smile, knowing he still held our love.. Others mske me tear up, realising moments he began to lose himself. Morgan is such an incredibly special boy, he really needs all of our love even more than before.

I know that the last 120km are going to be particuarly hard for me. So many ghosts and memories of the horrific first week of me meeting the shell who no longer was my husband. Seeing glimpses and grasping those moments he was himself again. Only those who have lived with this or know sufferers of Alziemers might be able to appreciate the emotional trauma. 

One step at a time.. One step.