The beginners guide to fitting into Paris

So, on my observations over the last few days, here is a guide on how to fit into Paris and look like a local.

get a black leather jacket and wear it all of the time

get a funny hat ditto - it doesn't matter if its a knitted teacosy or half a sheep.The key is not to look like you even know its  funny hat - ignore all stares.

get a small misbehaved dog on a very long leash.  Allow it to sniff everyone and feed it biscuits at every corner.

sit in a cafe and drink copious expressos. Watch everyone going past with distain.

smoke three packs of cigerettes a day. Smoke everwhere and anywhere you like. drop the butts as soon as you finish.

smile and help those tourists who attempt to murder your native tongue. Be kind and speak perfect English to them.

Ignore loud tourists who can't even say hello in French 

Ride everywhere on  bicycle.

Failing that, get a moped - brightly coloured if possible - and ride it like there is no tomorrow.

never actually eat anything.. bakeries and pastissaries are things of beauty - full of glossy pasteries, mouthwatering cakes, buttery biscutes - all of these things are for the fat tourists to indulge on.  The French don't every really eat anything - how else do they all stay so slim and beautiful?

I have worked out another reason French Women are so slim. There are no lifts or escalators in public transport places - lots of stairs.  There are similarly no lifts in apartment blocks... just lots of windy stairs.