The whole year away from Australia us for me to mentally regroup, and for the kids and I to bond as a unit. Though too, I say 'a year' we could stay in Europe for several years. Alot depends on some events taking place in August.. But more on that much later.
Specifically, this next 2 months is time for me to revaluate who I am within my environment, and to rediscover my passions - and the true me; no longer a wife and carer.
The Camino is the final process completing the journey of letting go of the past and of Age. Its not that I will ever want to - even if it were possible, to forget him. 23 years with someone leaves a mark on your heart and soul; and I loved that man deeply, which made the events in his last five months all the more horrific.
I know Age would be proud of us and what and where the kids and I are doing... The Age I knew and loved deeply, not the damaged shell he became.
Over the last few days on the track, the kids and I have spoken alot about what happened to Age. Our sessions with the brain specialist and pych after he died really helped explain what happed to him mentally. Its just a real shame this information wasnt available while we were going through it all. I guess I knew it, and I kept the love up, kept the faith but sometimes wish others may have seen it too. Its my lesson that it doesnt matter what others think or believe. I kept the faith and oaths.
We are all at peace knowing that daddy wasnt the real daddy and he was very sick. The specialist was wonderful explaining that it was like an alien inside his head taking control. We understand that he knew he was dying and that he was changing into a person he couldnt control or know. The kids and I know he loved us so much he did what he thought was the best solution - to force us away, to say and do things which would make us turn our backs and leave him.
But he forgot who and what I was. He forgot how sacred I held oaths. He forgot we were soul family. The harder he pushed, the more hurtful and painful his language and actions were against is, the tighter I held onto 23 years of love and trust; knowing this was the end and knowing he was't himself.
I remember saying goodbye at the airport. He said goodbye and I told him we never say that word and that it was slways see ya.. He dropped his eyes and told me that was only normally. I cried the whole way from the airport hoping I hadn't really heard what I had.
Morgan slowly is telling me little things he said and did as we travel along the path. Some make me smile, knowing he still held our love.. Others mske me tear up, realising moments he began to lose himself. Morgan is such an incredibly special boy, he really needs all of our love even more than before.
I know that the last 120km are going to be particuarly hard for me. So many ghosts and memories of the horrific first week of me meeting the shell who no longer was my husband. Seeing glimpses and grasping those moments he was himself again. Only those who have lived with this or know sufferers of Alziemers might be able to appreciate the emotional trauma.
One step at a time.. One step.
1 comment:
Nearly cried again x they are special look after each other xxx
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