Perception of time

So what can you stuff into one day? Somedays I just fly through - get so much achieved, other day s- no matter how I plan or structure things - it just falls in a heap. I have also noticed with this blog site - I post at different times during the day - and thus sometimes it looks like I posted twice in a day and others I missed all together. Can't seem to find a setting thing to change it to real ( Aussie) time ..

I try to stuff so much into a day - driving here there and everywhere, doing small jobs, calling people, visiting and popping in on folk, and then running out of time to do essential things like go grocery shopping of cooking dinner. ahh the life of a mummy.

Oh - and Lilly was perfectly fine by the way.( of course) She came home plastered in paint and photographic evidence of her playing with play doh, playing with other kids, doing puzzels and generally having a very nice time . Miss Tash thinks it may be that Lilly has worked out that I no longer go to work and is now wondering what on earth Mummy needs to be doing at home all by herself. Indeed. I wonder sometimes myself. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day for me to do the things I want to or need to achieve. I hardly sleep much now days. In bed usually around midnight to 1 am - never any earlier. Out of bed by 7 or 7.30. I mean 7 hours is heaps.

Not particularly focused at the moment - too close to midnight when I aught to have done this entry first thing this morning- but had a mad day. One of my first book looks in months ( in Moray field - over an hours drive away) visiting folks and then trying to organize for my own pary tomorrow - showcasing some of my friends partys... I am blabbing now... back in a few hours after some sleep.

Seperation

I have just dropped Lilly off at Daycare. She had refused to get out of the car - so I had to carry her out. By the time we had arrived in the playground, I had a wet, screaming limpid attached to me.

I really don't understand what is going on. Morgan and Lilly have gone to daycare for a one or a two day week since they were 9 months old. Last year I even did some 5 day weeks - and boy I would never do that again. I am so blessed that I am not forced to go to work. Every day you get home cranky and tired to be faced with a days work or preparing meals, cleaning kids and house and preparing for the next day. Quite rightly, the kids want your time and to see you and play - and don't understand why they have to eat tea and be packed off to bed - so things just go from bad to worse. Thank you Age for having a secure job and one that means we are comfortable. I am now at peace with my place as a stay at home mum - with a few not so serious home based businesses on the side and a path into writing. I don't want to be a high flyer anymore - or strive for some corporate position. What a drag. Attempting to beat Morgan at chequers or work out the next logo piece will do me just fine at the moment!

Anyway - back to Miss Lilly. When I made my decision not to go back to paid employment, I decided also to keep one days daycare and school care for the kids. It would give me a full day to myself to undertake the jobs and tasks that are difficult to do when I have help from a three year old. Its is a substantial cost- but I reason I need my sanity to do so. I could send Lilly to kindy this year and looked into it - but again - what a waste of my days - drop off at 9 and pick up at 1.30 or 2. 3 days one week and 2 days the next - would do my head in. Its still not particularly cheap either - about $30 a day.. and of course there is the mother guilt in there as well - raising it ugly head. After our issues with Morgan - who didn't go to kindy and his apparent anti social behaviour patterns... am I doing the right thing by Lilly in not sending her? arghhh - I just don't like to institutionalize babies...

Poor Miss Lilly - desperately clinging to me - demanding I take her home so she could do do the washing with me, go to the bank and drop off Daddys bike to the shop. All such boring things when compared to painting and play doh. Real tears and shaking voice. I have questioned her and her teachers. She is one of the younger ones in the group - but in their words - the biggest personality ( meaning she is bossy - ha ha - wonder where she got that from?) Lilly says there are too many babies in the room. Miss Tash says that because Lillys vocab is so extensive and her maturity is higher than others - that Lilly is able to discuss and speak to adults on a level basis - where the other children are still experimenting and sometimes cannot be understood.

I dragged her off me and gave her to Miss Tash - who totally adored Lilly and I know Lily loves her too - kissed her and walked out. The howls followed me all the way up the corridor. What deranged sort to mother leaves their child screaming? One with a heart made of stone. I crept into one of the other rooms and watched her - still clinging to Miss Tash, tears still coming - but talking to her intently. Ten mins later, she had not let go of Miss Tash, but had stopped crying at least. I dared not show my face as I crept away to the car.

This has only just started to happen and both the teachers and I are very puzzled. They take lots of photos during the day of the kids in activities and are very particular in making notes about what each child has done and little interactions - so I can clearly see she is having a great time and into lots of activities in the day. Its just the separation thing in the morning.. why now? all of a sudden? keep tuned!

Of dreams to reality

Jodi and I have been excitedly chatting about our ideas to push forth our writing status and wealth creation strategies for a few weeks now. She has really latched on to a great idea, brought in the expertise of a few other business minded folk and writers and I am just so excited about it, I am about to burst. However something she said to day really struck me.

There is a long way between an idea and reality.

yeah right - say we all.. but think about that for a moment. I know she is starting to think holy heck – what have I started? But an idea – once born – owns you. It drives you and takes you places you didn’t know existed. The journey is the exciting bit!

An idea comes to us either as a raging bull or lands about us like gossamer feathers. Either way - we must react or respond to that idea - or the universe simply re-directs it to someone else. What is so sad – for creativity, for the universe and of ourselves is that most of us stop those ideas before they even have time to breathe. We shut them down – degrade the idea, ourselves or our ability to undertake it and allow it to slip away. I know – I allow ideas to bubble up – get excited about them and then convince myself that I am too busy , not smart enough, not the right sort of person to be able to do it in some big or minute way and allow it to slip past me. I am on a big learning curve ( still). I don’t quite think I have ‘got it’ that I need to call in for help – that I can’t be the expert in everything…

That gap, between the first breaths of our baby idea and its fruition as a well formed, individualistic physical manifestation is enormous. But it is really just like eating an elephant… one mouthful at a time..( I think you’d need a plan and a schedule to stick with as well… and a big spoon – hoping it was made from chocolate chip icecream.)

Jodi and I have great chats and have long realized that storing an idea does no-one any good. Like the plot for a story – no-one will tell it the way you do. No-one will deal with the characters in the way you do or care about them they way a great author does. By bringing the expertise of others, asking for opinions and spontaneously workshopping ideas, new ideas are forged and given birth too – taking you on tangents never explored before.

I feel very blessed to be part of the planning stage of her exciting project; excited for her that she has been able to sink her teeth and soul into something she is very passionate about. Glad that I can offer some small amounts of wisdom along the way and act as a sounding board. It also serves as a timely reminder to me. Dust off those old notebooks stuffed full of ideas…. Examine them again and just choose one, crazy one and run with it. Its not like it’s a pair of scissors….