A Question of Faith

All that know me, realize I am pretty open to most things. I have been thinking deeply on faith and belief. What it means and has meant to me and how it affects me. Having written a short story to begin to flesh out the religion on my world for my book for Nano ( what a rotten sentence this one is turning out to be…..) it has brought up a whole heap of STUFF for me.

Humans have an intrinsic and very base need and instinct for ritual. Even the most unaware, out of touch person conducts their day in a series or rituals. These are more than a habit – but rather a superstition perhaps or a series of events done in a way that is dictated by a cultural or traditional reason rather than an obvious practical reason. If this is changed or altered ,these people feel uncomfortable and perhaps not know why there are feeling that away.

I began to explore faith and belief – are they the same thing? In my mind they are not. Faith to me means that there is no basis for believing that a certain thing is true. One simply accepts it. There is no evidence and no need to seek that evidence to continue believing that thing.

Belief for me is an extension of this- that you must have some sort of evidence to prop up your theory. The more concrete evidence you have – the more legs you have to prop up your statements – until your table statement is so strong that an elephant could sit on it and you would be not shaken

I know that there are doctrines which suggest that you must first have faith in order to seek knowledge – but you must have belief before you can understand it.. phew that’s pretty full on.

My family was never much into religion. I seem to recall it being said it was a waste of time going to church as it stopped production and jobs being done – and on a farm there is always so much to do everyday. My Gran and an Aunt used to go every week, but I have a feeling it had more with the fact that the family built the tiny church after the boys retuned from the second world war.. Perhaps it was also due to the constant fear that the church council threatened to close and sell the church due to the dropping numbers in the congregation.

I started my search for meaning and my spiritual place at the age of about 11. I remember going with Gran to church and then begging to be able to also attend a Sunday school in another village as well as fellowship meetings during the week. I studied the bible and did advanced junior courses ( mail order ones) in Bible studies. I became bored with the mediocre stances of the uniting church and the lack of tradition and “wholeness”. All the people who went – the sermons, everything seemed so insipid - so pastel blue..

During my early teenage years, I looked strongly at the Catholic Church. I fell in love with the ritual, the richness of the ceremony and the texture of the latin language within the sermon. The starchy old priests with their glorious robes – what drama! I became disenchanted with the every pervading clouds of guilt, oppressively pressing down upon you. I never got the hang of confession or the hail marys. Communion seemed too weird and very separatist.

I was introduced to a charismatic church –where funky ( for the 80s) music was played and the leaders were normal young people with up to date messages. However, there still seemed to be something missing in my heart. I felt like an outsider – even with these wonderfully caring dynamic people.

Uni came and my world exploded. I was introduced to lots of different movements, heard about Karma, reincarnation and alternative creation theories where Lillith reigned. I explored esoteric groups and gatherings and became involved and initiated into a grove. I still honour the vows taken there and will not divulge anything about that – suffice to say I left on good terms as my path didn’t take me any futher in that area. I have a lot of respect for Wicca – true practitioners and it saddens me to see it watered down and romanticized by weirdoes and desperados. I think too the emerging energetic work I had uncovered and some of the experiences there … scared me.. not so much fear about it – but the fear I enjoyed the power – the looks in unbelievers eyes, the furtive glances by others. Humm perhaps a little much here…

It kind of went into a lull there for a while – and did a total backflip against the Christian faith. I was unhappy with the representation of women, of the limiting beliefs about God, the hypocrisy within the collection of stories which makeup the Bible and the realization that the old and new bible aught not belong to the same faith as they were dictated through humans by very different representations of God.

Once I had started on my path to self development, one must revisit ones spiritualistic tendencies. I rebelled against any mention of God, firmly believing there was none. But you know what – its kind of saying you don’t believe in the postman. You will get your mail delivered if you believe or not. The MEANING you put I not how your mail got there will be very different.

I had a session with God which really blew my head off. I remember the moment exactly – it was like one of the Hollywood moments – all melts into the background ( I was in a room with about 3000 people) the lights the glowing the spirit speaking and the shivers ( as I call them) For the first time I felt at peace with my world and my place. I find it hard to call God something as words have so many connotations… Goddess? I believe that more than a male version. However God let me know that he/she/it is so much bigger than anything we have pinned upon that name..

SO where I am at the moment is with energies. For the lay person – think Starwars. The force/ eternal energy is in everything, the breeze, the ground the earth in your lovers laughter. We are so much more than the beings we present to each other. Through my trainings with acting I have experienced and played with energetics – so it is a belief that I have solid experience to pin it upone. I also know from outher sources and trainings that energy connect us with everything..

Hummm next blog to explore this further..